For some reason today, all I could think about was my boys.  Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the day-to-day hustle.  Work, errands, keeping the house in one piece, cooking, laundry, bathing the kids… I feel like my days just fly by.  And in those flying days, hours, weeks, minutes… I feel like my kids have grown 3 inches and 10 pounds a piece.

I picked up the boys last night after work and took them home and they went straight to bed.  And honestly, I was a little sad.  Normally I’m doing a happy dance when I have the kids in bed before 10:30.  But I miss my boys.

And as I got into my car this morning, as sad as I was, I couldn’t help but smile.  There were my boys, still donned in their pajamas that I picked them up in the night before, waving to me from my moms front door.  Eating their popsicle and blowing me kisses, telling me good-bye and I love you.  I was so overwhelmed with joy.  I am so blessed.  I love these little boys so much.

I thought about them all day at work.  And while I could have let it drag me down that I wasnt with them… I didn’t.  I was happy.  I let my love for them bring me joy throughout my day.

Everything that I do, I do for them.  Every choice I make, I make for them.  They have changed me so much as a person.  Everything.  Would saying this or doing that, make them proud?  Would I want them to do the same thing that I am doing?  Will this benefit them?  I work as hard as I do, for them.  I make every effort to do and say good things for them.

Motherhood is the hardest easy thing that I have ever done.  In some ways it’s the most stressful, terrifying, anxiety-inducing experience.  Am I doing the right thing?  Who let me be an adult, let alone be responsible for two other small living beings?  Some days I feel like I am failing on an exponential level and I am the worst mother on the planet.  Well, maybe not the worst, but not the mother that my children deserve.

And other days… its like breathing.  It’s the most natural, comfortable, empowering, beautiful thing I have ever experienced.  instincts and intuition rule the day, and every thing flows.  I’m the best mommy in the world, how could I ever doubt myself.

The point is here… that I’m still figuring it out.  Day to day.  Just winging it.  Like all the other great mammas out there.

All I know is that as I sat here snuggled on the couch with my sleepy babies, after we had done our marathon of dinner, bath, playtime, and bed, I couldn’t help but think… how lucky I am.  They are laying there all tangled up in blankets, little pearls of sweat beading up on their tiny little noses, snuggled up with me… And I get to be their mommy.  I get to hug them everyday.  Magically heal their boo-boos with a simple kiss.  I get to tell them I love them over and over again until they’re tired of hearing it.  I get to watch them think, literally watch them figure things out and learn.  I get a front row seat to the lives of these two wonderful children.